It’s difficult for me to verbalize my thoughts, so I've decided to write them down. Bear with me here.
Do you feel like you’re juggling several personas? I do and
it’s affecting how I perceive and interact in society. Why does it seem that I
have different thinking patterns? Is my hormone imbalance the cause of my
intense mood swings, which then create these manic thoughts that lend me to
behave in inconsistent and sometimes egotistic manners? Is modern society the cause of my dilemma, as
it imposes a materialistic ideology? Or have my personal experiences,
insecurities, made me vulnerable to the intense and manipulative nature of the
modern state, which forces a culture of commercialism on us, thus intensifying
the relationship to our environment causing our thoughts, behavior, and values
to be split into three realities: former self, present self, and future self?
There are periods in the day when I feel extremely self-conscious
and start to wonder about what people think about me. That is, if they’re even
thinking about me. Why would they think about me? What’s with the narcissism?
Why do I even care? I wish I could just live a life of tranquility; one where I
am free of the rampant self-absorbed thoughts and am able to function to the
best of my capabilities without these invisible constraints on my consciousness.
I go through phases of depression due to this mentality that
I despise. I don’t like it, yet I do it. Can I control it somehow? Is it
possible to meditate through the muck that is my thoughts? Is it just me feeling
like this? I’m sure I’m not the only one.
I've actually being
doing a lot of some meditating trying to understand my nature. Through these
meditative efforts, I’ve come to realize that I am juggling aspects of myself
that I shouldn’t think about, or should I? That is, of my former self, present
self, and future self.
In a moment of despair earlier today, I thought, “What’s
wrong with me? Am I seriously that much of a control freak that I can’t simply
let go of my insecurities and so I behave in an awkward and egoistic manner? I’m
no one special. I’m just one of millions. I’m just one person. I need to get
over myself.” But then another reaction surfaced. Instead of being extremely
hard on myself, I decided to think about not only my individual predispositions,
but how these sensitive factors are infinitely influenced by external factors
that shape thoughts, behaviors, and interactions on a daily basis: society and environment.
Recently, I’ve been wonder whether
we actually do have free will or if we are sadly confined to the constraints of
our social groups, environment, and opportunities provided by society. Is this juggling
of character a reality caused by modern capitalism or a figment of my
imagination? Has this economic development
changed our mental state from that of one frame of mind, to multiple, in order
to survive in the ever-changing society? By this I mean that people now have to
worry about how they will brand themselves. Their identity stripped by the
invisible hands of the elite. I consider this because our surroundings have
powerful effects on our state of mind. We are constantly being fed information through
social media that influences our needs, desires, and aspirations in life.
To elaborate, on the previously stated realities, my former
self is that of my community, my family, my childhood which with all the influential
social factors, such as the media, social stigmas, etc, have shaped instinctual
behavior, language, and a certain state of mind that is needed for survival in
said environment. In my case, I was born and raised in an impoverished, predominantly
Hispanic and Asian neighborhood that expressed certain norms that now that I’ve
moved to another environment, as part of a process to educate myself for the
purpose of mental labor production in the near future, I find myself clashing
with the dominant norms that weren’t important for success in my previous social
setting. Due to this contradiction, I find myself constantly feeling like I’m
on the fence viewing both sides of an intrinsic social phenomenon: There are multiple
social worlds governed by one dominating social group. The norms of this
dominant group twisted and turned by indigenous, enslaved, and immigrant groups
in order to adapt their preconceived notions of society.
This brings me to the conundrum facing many people that find
themselves in my position is that of integration or deviation from the accepted
norm.
Why think deeply about this issue in the first place though?
Why not just live and adapt? That is human nature, right?
Nevertheless, the question I ponder is whether we should
just live our lives as happily as we could give the constraints of modern
society or whether we should simply find a balance between integration and
deviation. By this I mean whether we should integrate by laboring for the bourgeoisie
society, even if it means going against our personal beliefs, which for me are that
of wanting social change to benefit not only the majority, but to reflect and
encourage the empathetic and cooperative part of human nature; as said
integration means we would meet our human need of providing for our own subsistence
as nature does not provide this for us, and also by possibly becoming one of
the elite. However, the chances of that actually occurring given my and the
majority’s background are slim to none.
Or could deviation from the norm be the best way to live. By
allowing ourselves to also become a commodity for the bourgeoisie we meet our
human need for subsistence though by not adopting the norms, either by choice
or not, we are sure to live an alienated life. This is the life the majority of
us live anyway.
This is where I now find myself. I’m currently in the
reality of the present self, which is extremely confused. What to do, what to
do? This confusion is contributed to many factors, many previously stated, but
the majority due to a social and political will that I’m constantly pondering.
What will I do when I graduate? What type of career would I or should I pursue?
I’m always thinking about the future and
that of society, leaving my present self to function on instinct, like an
aircraft on autopilot. I thought I was present but in reality I was somewhere
else, in the future which does not exist, using my former self as means for
survival.
I see now that this was not a stable state of mind to be in
given that I was depressed and lacked motivation to work as I was constantly
clashing with the norms of the present where I obviously did not fit in, but I couldn't see why I didn’t. I came to this understanding through self reflection after
conversing with friends. I've come to terms with the present and have decided to
make the best of each day. Although, I’m still left to question the future from
time to time, which I’m stressed about because of my former self that remains
in the present.
In thinking about my future self, I’ve contemplate the
following:
We have been taught through various social mediums that we
must work to contribute to society to be happy, productive citizens, but I’ve
been questioning that ever since community college, which I was fortunate
enough to attend. In actuality, we are not laboring for our own subsistence and
I think people should be aware of this. Through the state, which currently supports
a system of exploitation, we are working to maintain the lavish lifestyle of
the elite.
I understand that capitalism is a specific mode of
production whose particular dynamics should be understood on their own terms,
as it is just one specific mode of production. There has in fact been previous forms
of exploitive societies, such as tribal, citizen + slave, and feudal that also
demonstrated a division of labor; however, does that mean it’s the best and
only way society could and should be structured? There are probably many
possibilities, but we are too troubled by trivial everyday matters to even ponder
the possibilities.
Perhaps we can achieve a tranquil state of mind one day. Through
my experience I can say that we are definitely compassionate creatures that
want social acceptance and we would stretch our mental, emotional, physical, and
economic means just to be part of something bigger than ourselves. Through the
expression of cooperative and nurturing behaviors we’ve been able to evolve as
a species.
What do you think?
Maybe this can only happen if society was structured in a
way that didn’t force us to give up or sell our will to meet the social elite’s
desires. I really believe that if the
majority that labors daily, many extensively, still can’t manage to make ends
meet, there is a serious problem. I wonder if it is possible to achieve this
through the modern state. I’m not sure. As the days go by, it’s becoming
increasingly clear that the state and entire judicial process currently works
to guarantee the protection of the elite and their interests, such as private
property rights that do not benefit the majority of us as we do not own
property and probably never will as the modern social structure lacks opportunity
for upward mobility; seeing as there are no jobs, low wages, bad working
conditions leading to poor health and no affordable health care, nor affordable
and safe housing options to support a working society.
Is this the America or
future many people dreamed of? Hmm... I think our creations are starting to have an impact on our psyche. There's only so much pressure we can take.
