Individual in Modern Society

It’s difficult for me to verbalize my thoughts, so I've decided to write them down. Bear with me here.

Do you feel like you’re juggling several personas? I do and it’s affecting how I perceive and interact in society. Why does it seem that I have different thinking patterns? Is my hormone imbalance the cause of my intense mood swings, which then create these manic thoughts that lend me to behave in inconsistent and sometimes egotistic manners? Is modern society the cause of my dilemma, as it imposes a materialistic ideology? Or have my personal experiences, insecurities, made me vulnerable to the intense and manipulative nature of the modern state, which forces a culture of commercialism on us, thus intensifying the relationship to our environment causing our thoughts, behavior, and values to be split into three realities: former self, present self, and future self?

There are periods in the day when I feel extremely self-conscious and start to wonder about what people think about me. That is, if they’re even thinking about me. Why would they think about me? What’s with the narcissism? Why do I even care? I wish I could just live a life of tranquility; one where I am free of the rampant self-absorbed thoughts and am able to function to the best of my capabilities without these invisible constraints on my consciousness.

I go through phases of depression due to this mentality that I despise. I don’t like it, yet I do it. Can I control it somehow? Is it possible to meditate through the muck that is my thoughts? Is it just me feeling like this? I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I've actually being doing a lot of some meditating trying to understand my nature. Through these meditative efforts, I’ve come to realize that I am juggling aspects of myself that I shouldn’t think about, or should I? That is, of my former self, present self, and future self.

In a moment of despair earlier today, I thought, “What’s wrong with me? Am I seriously that much of a control freak that I can’t simply let go of my insecurities and so I behave in an awkward and egoistic manner? I’m no one special. I’m just one of millions. I’m just one person. I need to get over myself.” But then another reaction surfaced. Instead of being extremely hard on myself, I decided to think about not only my individual predispositions, but how these sensitive factors are infinitely influenced by external factors that shape thoughts, behaviors, and interactions on a daily basis: society and environment.

Recently, I’ve been wonder whether we actually do have free will or if we are sadly confined to the constraints of our social groups, environment, and opportunities provided by society. Is this juggling of character a reality caused by modern capitalism or a figment of my imagination? Has this economic development changed our mental state from that of one frame of mind, to multiple, in order to survive in the ever-changing society? By this I mean that people now have to worry about how they will brand themselves. Their identity stripped by the invisible hands of the elite. I consider this because our surroundings have powerful effects on our state of mind. We are constantly being fed information through social media that influences our needs, desires, and aspirations in life.

To elaborate, on the previously stated realities, my former self is that of my community, my family, my childhood which with all the influential social factors, such as the media, social stigmas, etc, have shaped instinctual behavior, language, and a certain state of mind that is needed for survival in said environment. In my case, I was born and raised in an impoverished, predominantly Hispanic and Asian neighborhood that expressed certain norms that now that I’ve moved to another environment, as part of a process to educate myself for the purpose of mental labor production in the near future, I find myself clashing with the dominant norms that weren’t important for success in my previous social setting. Due to this contradiction, I find myself constantly feeling like I’m on the fence viewing both sides of an intrinsic social phenomenon: There are multiple social worlds governed by one dominating social group. The norms of this dominant group twisted and turned by indigenous, enslaved, and immigrant groups in order to adapt their preconceived notions of society.

This brings me to the conundrum facing many people that find themselves in my position is that of integration or deviation from the accepted norm.

Why think deeply about this issue in the first place though? Why not just live and adapt? That is human nature, right?

Nevertheless, the question I ponder is whether we should just live our lives as happily as we could give the constraints of modern society or whether we should simply find a balance between integration and deviation. By this I mean whether we should integrate by laboring for the bourgeoisie society, even if it means going against our personal beliefs, which for me are that of wanting social change to benefit not only the majority, but to reflect and encourage the empathetic and cooperative part of human nature; as said integration means we would meet our human need of providing for our own subsistence as nature does not provide this for us, and also by possibly becoming one of the elite. However, the chances of that actually occurring given my and the majority’s background are slim to none.

Or could deviation from the norm be the best way to live. By allowing ourselves to also become a commodity for the bourgeoisie we meet our human need for subsistence though by not adopting the norms, either by choice or not, we are sure to live an alienated life. This is the life the majority of us live anyway.

This is where I now find myself. I’m currently in the reality of the present self, which is extremely confused. What to do, what to do? This confusion is contributed to many factors, many previously stated, but the majority due to a social and political will that I’m constantly pondering. What will I do when I graduate? What type of career would I or should I pursue?  I’m always thinking about the future and that of society, leaving my present self to function on instinct, like an aircraft on autopilot. I thought I was present but in reality I was somewhere else, in the future which does not exist, using my former self as means for survival.

I see now that this was not a stable state of mind to be in given that I was depressed and lacked motivation to work as I was constantly clashing with the norms of the present where I obviously did not fit in, but I couldn't see why I didn’t. I came to this understanding through self reflection after conversing with friends. I've come to terms with the present and have decided to make the best of each day. Although, I’m still left to question the future from time to time, which I’m stressed about because of my former self that remains in the present.

In thinking about my future self, I’ve contemplate the following:

We have been taught through various social mediums that we must work to contribute to society to be happy, productive citizens, but I’ve been questioning that ever since community college, which I was fortunate enough to attend. In actuality, we are not laboring for our own subsistence and I think people should be aware of this. Through the state, which currently supports a system of exploitation, we are working to maintain the lavish lifestyle of the elite.

I understand that capitalism is a specific mode of production whose particular dynamics should be understood on their own terms, as it is just one specific mode of production. There has in fact been previous forms of exploitive societies, such as tribal, citizen + slave, and feudal that also demonstrated a division of labor; however, does that mean it’s the best and only way society could and should be structured? There are probably many possibilities, but we are too troubled by trivial everyday matters to even ponder the possibilities.

Perhaps we can achieve a tranquil state of mind one day. Through my experience I can say that we are definitely compassionate creatures that want social acceptance and we would stretch our mental, emotional, physical, and economic means just to be part of something bigger than ourselves. Through the expression of cooperative and nurturing behaviors we’ve been able to evolve as a species.

What do you think?

Maybe this can only happen if society was structured in a way that didn’t force us to give up or sell our will to meet the social elite’s desires. I really believe that if the majority that labors daily, many extensively, still can’t manage to make ends meet, there is a serious problem. I wonder if it is possible to achieve this through the modern state. I’m not sure. As the days go by, it’s becoming increasingly clear that the state and entire judicial process currently works to guarantee the protection of the elite and their interests, such as private property rights that do not benefit the majority of us as we do not own property and probably never will as the modern social structure lacks opportunity for upward mobility; seeing as there are no jobs, low wages, bad working conditions leading to poor health and no affordable health care, nor affordable and safe housing options to support a working society.

Is this the America or future many people dreamed of? Hmm... I think our creations are starting to have an impact on our psyche. There's only so much pressure we can take.