Self Reflection

I’m everything I’m supposed to be. Through my struggles I’ve gained a certain perspective on society and I appreciate my capacity to reflect.  I come from ruins and have been trying to reconstruct something that was never stable to start. It’s been a challenge dealing with my insecurities. I am not like my peers. I have a deep and personal account of the struggle and I see that many people do not understand and/or do not care. This has left me feeling alone and at the brink of an emotional breakdown. Why this need to feel connected to others?

I know I’m perceived as overly emotional or sensitive, but that’s because I know my place. I know for a fact that the pressures to conform to the social norms have distorted my sense of self and have warped my identity to reflect everything I've been through. We all wear many hats, as they say, but for me it’s not just a matter of changing to fit into an environment, as people would assume a chameleon does, but rather, as the chameleon, I’m simply a creature of comfort and like to change my appearance on any given day given the mood I’m in. I have nothing to hide, but my emotions, which have stirred up thoughts of worthlessness as I’m lead to feel that I’m perusing a goal that is unattainable. Am I thus condemned into a state of perpetual unhappiness? I don’t think so.

Being self-observant and aware of one’s needs, desires, motives, etc. will allow us to develop our will. Realizing how most of these “needs” are socially constructed will allow us to open our minds to infinite possibilities of acceptance. Perhaps it’s only then we can start to appreciate the seemingly insignificant moments in life that bring joy and a smile to our face.

It’s difficult to confront our fears, but taking a step back to analyze our reality can increase our consciousness. Sometimes the daily trials and stressors can blur our perception of self in society, that’s why educating ourselves is incredibly important, as like the mist when the sun rises, clarity is achieved. We all have and will struggle to meet goals. That’s just human nature; unlike other animals, we labor to produce our means of subsistence. Our capacity to transform our environment has allowed us to change our own selves in the process.

I strongly believe that modern society contradicts the essence of human nature. Though we have a dark and selfish side, we too have an empathetic and cooperative aspect to our nature that I feel isn’t appreciated enough now-a-days. We are incredible creatures, as we experience emotion before we are even aware of such feelings. We do not fully understand ourselves and it’s foolish to think there is a right way of doing things.

All in all, through deviance, most of it not by choice, I’ve been able to see and feel things others haven’t. The time spent as an outsider has only enriched my experience and I am grateful for it. I am not the typical female. I am everything I am supposed to be. I accept and value my differences even though others find it difficult to accept them. I’ve always felt like a walking stereotype, but I realize now that I am more than that. I can transform my environment to reflect my will, but this has only been possible with the presence of opportunity.

I’m a queer Hispanic female born and raised to immigrant parents that only sought to improve their children’s standard of living. And now, I’m at Cal, an elite university that has a history of social movements increasing awareness of marginalized groups on and off-campus. I’m here for a reason, right?

-Bee