Cactus Legs and Long Hair

We get each other like girls

Because we are girls.

The boy, he was staring longer at us both,

We know-

So we don't fight,

And have late-night conversations like about secret society shit

We both start staring at the stars;

I tried to make you stay to talk

But we grew distant.

Fuck, you always make me feel like family

This time I felt it wasn't so tight,

Like city streets in full effect,

Loaded with sounds.

You, the girl, my friend, turned on me.

We were the scary girls and the "demonios"!

We fought just to be the biggest in the room,

From a servant to herself to the owner of herself

Do you understand that we had to do what we had to do?

You felt you were in a dream

A dream with angels and demons, demons, demons

Now you're the biggest in the room

And you're listening to the room,

The drama left behind

A sense of being used.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Big Radio to Bad Dreams

The demon is tight in my chest

And I couldn't breathe it,

Even though the dream it gave me got me stuck in a new dream

I don't like the fit,

I don't want to put them on like a new pair of shoes I didn't like

Let the nightmares stop!

The nightmare isn't old,

It showed my parents dead,

A dead man whose bloody face I had to clean,

And a secret wall only my sister could open-

I needed to write down my mother's last ideas to make money

Meaning I had to work.

I woke up to the demons on the radio;

The brain activity must have caused the bad dream,

It made me feel haunted and drained,

Slowly as I wake, the music is smoothing things over,

What seems to be familiar music starts playing,

The music stays in my chest and vibrates through my ears and in the back of my head.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Music by Me Listen

Check out my music: 

Hola Me Llamo Grinch

Mad At Berkeley

God's Coming My Way

Grinch on Meds

Grinch In The Haunted House

La Grinch Loves Money

Butterfly

The Radio Waves of God

I'm listening to the radio

I'm thinking introspectively 

God's lying to me

He is my father

and he wants my company.

He's a stalker

A sexy man trying to get laid

We play games just to avoid the depression

He's trying to play it cool

He doesn't want to play by the rules

The rules he made

Stubborn man

Young and stubborn like my dad.

An honest man lies but it's not God

He's dishonest and it makes me cry inside

At least based on what I know

I should just give up on his attempts to lure me in

But I don't want to

He's scary

He loves me that much.

Satan's concert

Oh I gotta see your game

You're sleeping in my room tonight,

I'm too scary

You'll see-

I'll defend myself,

But hold me tight.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Off My Med Still

I got prescribed a new medicine.

I'm waiting for the Pristic.

It's obscene how I have to wait.

My med manager said I need pre-approval.

She made some phone calls.

I made some phone calls.

Medi-Cal is a dick.

I've been getting screwed.

I have depression and I'm off meds.

My heart is broken.

Syke.

I'm in love with my work.

I don't work.

I feel incomplete though.

I need more medicine for the vibes.

The good vibes. 👌

Candle Light Dinner

Candle light dinner

In the moonlight 

Candle light dinner

In the moonlight

Every single day to the same place

See if I find my boy today

Candle light dinner

In the moonlight

Candle light dinner

In the moonlight

Angels and Demons

 If there's nothing more I'd like to say

Actually, I'd like to say

That I've been sailing some big waves

My dreams to have been a sea of wonder

A plague had plagued me

And played me as I slumbered

I wanted to stay awake

I wanted to dream big like those waves

But sleep gets heavy when the brain is tired

I wonder if I wondered too much about wonder

I think that my attempts have failed

But I've gained a level of respect

The voices are a camera

And I am their star

I shine through the night

I breathe in the daylight

I don't die but I don't live

Actually, sometimes I'm the protagonist of my dreams

Serves me right to suffer the way I do

Because I don't behave like I should

Still, I am human and my soul needs rest

This Schizophrenia is a place to lay my head

I feel like I will go into the hallucinations right

I won't be too lonely

So I won't fear the light

I won't fear the games

The angels and demons like to play for fun

This is where I stop.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Schizophrenic

The door has been lifted

I've been sifting through my brain for gold

A fool I have been

Fools gold,

Any fear that has remained

is going

But in its place

Nostalgia and regret

I've thought it hard

I have to push through

To gain more control

And let go of what I do

Do you understand?

I need to stay awake

I need to feel that I

Can be in a better place.

Can this mean that I won't quit?

Or will I get so fascinated that I just quit?

By: Brandy Ruiz

Get Out Of Me

Get out of me

I'm shouting from the inside

Get out of me

I feel like I have nothing

The voices are friendly

The voices have been mean

Get out of me

I'm feeling like a key,

The doors have opened

And the only thing I can do is go through

Get out of me

Because there's something I can do

I can play the game

I can chase you to your home

I can write these lines

That makes my home

Get out of me

Because it's calling to the truth

Get out of me

Because if not the key is no use.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Chanel Pari

As you crawl from the carpet to the bathroom floor,

What goes on in your mind, Chanel Pari?

Are your knees made of strong metal?

Chetore!

Are your elbows?

Your wrist pound the floor with such wonder,

What goes on in that pretty pretty head?

I wonder.

Are you looking for something specific?

To pull on or put in your mouth?

I see your smile and smile extatic,

Your joy gives me life,

Do I struggle to understand?

Shalom?

No.

Don't touch that.

No.

Don't put that in your mouth!

Hello.

A poem for my niece.

Sleepy Head Living in the Mansion

To be a voice in the shadows

Where noone can find a place to rest

To sleep a slumber

Where to place your head?

A night of haunted room corners

Your siblings in another place

Strangers listening from the walls

That seem to have power

I can't find a time better to say

A friend is a foe in this time and space

Unfinished business in California

Traveling through thoughts

Dreaming with terror

Knowing well I wake up unafraid

But tremble from knowing the night awaits.

By: Brandy Ruiz

😪

I trusted you needle

But all you did was make me bleed

You went in smooth

I hate you

The insulin burned

The doctor says it's progress

But what can I make of it?

You make me bleed

I feel pain.

The Voices

I think my thoughts are running

With the vocies

And my voice

The voices are all around me

Their presence imprinted and saved like a freeze frame on the walls

What am I to do?

Am I to run away from them?

Should I run to them?

Can we be on the same thought?

Because they vanish. 😥

Lil Rap

They're mad that it's your game.

Nicki Minaj and trees

It's not so bad

Kanye

It was too hood

The whole thing is a message

 was cool

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1T916ai8VgvgPaRjg19cXd?si=bEuzmRGAQPWInW_geGLTrg

Devil Be Normal

 Antes se lo imaginaban

The depths of his madenss

Devil be normal

Tormented, his soul

An old death is what it seems

He faked it

It was sad

Give thanks for the previous

Life's not too bad.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Beach Day (Corona Virus)

The brown boardwalk blew gusts of wind towards the benches,

I sat  on one and from there I looked at a Vet laying down on the far left bench,

The waves came and came,

I feared a great wave would take place,

But it never came,

I surrendered-

And so I walked on the sand,

Reaching closer to the sea,

When I realized I was relaxed,

I had forgotten about the Corona Virus,

I saw nobody on the beach with masks,

It was a hot, cloudy, beach day,

Days I'd never forget.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Eh

I'm that highly functioning Schizophrenic,

No, I can't regret it,

No, you can't bet on it-

I'm next to the elotes,

And I'm stoked,

It's not a joke,

I'm right about most,

I'm wrong about many things,

It's a statement,

And I meant it,

When I said I love you.

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Light

 I'm disgusting

I'm disturbed

I'm afraid

The voices heard

I can't

I'm ashamed

The crows

Tell

The darkness tales

The darkness fades

The darkness sinks in

Sin to blame.

By: Brandy Ruiz

To My Love

I wanna get high with you! 💚

I wanna smoke a joint,

Maybe a blunt,

Extra cheese on my burger,

Lemonade and Sprite,

Things left to be desired,

Doing it all night.

A Fishing Witch

A fishing witch,

Catching one at a time,

Sniffing the bait,

The fish take it,

She eats them,

She likes the way they taste-

The next day,

She will pray for more.

By: Brandy Ruiz

How Are You?

Hello World!!

Haldol

📝 The Haldol is making my neck and back sore. So glad to be off the Clozapine though. Don't have to go for weekly blood draws bitches. 💉🩸🏥 I'm blessed and can live with the back ache. Yah. 😈❤

I Love Mom. Mi Mama

I see you have a hard time.
"Carry me?"

"The groceries are in the car."
Ok!

So I carry them
Up the stairs;
At what velocity?
Mom cares!

Am I descalza?
Where are my flip flops?

In between cigarettes
smoke,
Mom's love outshines.

By: Brandy Ruiz

In My Purse

In my Steve Madden purse,
I found an apple that I've saved,
For eating.

My mushy bruised apple-
So sweet,
I want to taste it.

I take a bite,
The bruise on the apple wasn't as sweet,
so I bite around it.

Left then down,
Under,
Oh, each sweet bite,
Satisfying hunger-
I peel the sticker off,
Delicious!

By: Brandy Ruiz

Mental Health Poem

The world went back in time,

You couldn't tell but it did,

It also went to the future,

But you couldn't tell

Or could you?

The stars shining still more bright,

Fear,

Did she find her telephone?

An old crazy lady,

From the mental hospital,

Cried

Nothing could compare,

Like from a scene of a movie

She received a shot

Fought the meds

I feared for my liberty, life, and likeability,

I pretended to be okay

I looked around

I thought the shot was coming

A shot that made you quiet,

And drowns you into sleep.

Eventually, I woke up

She asked for her phone again.

Mind Spiral

Sad,    I forgot

the words...

          baby,

go peek,

          It's called "El Inferno"!

AND

Blood flow through my veins,

Another time for another day,

You may scratch at words

But never play

Magic magic magic is the game.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Friendly Fireworks

It all started with my brother.

I didn't want to give it up.

When did we peak?

I dont know.

What from all this

Is the karma?

K-a-r-m-a

Space spreads out: "C-a-r-P-a",

I hope you wore your shoes.

He likes to run.

So you can run.

Like I have

from acquisition.

Blessed

Send paper planes!

Electronic Little Alien,

Tension fade

BUT ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE!

Be nice. Play fun. Eat. Laugh. Love

Busy Love

Treat the romance gently,

and watch your words

As I sit back and look out of my mind,

laughing,

I'm inside doing my job,

Watching,

T.V. and joking with the family,

It's my work,

Your reality awaits.

To: Junior

Lonely Office,

The house is alive. 

The squirrel jumped from the pavement into a brushy bush.

I smoked.

The crunchy winter leaves swooshed underneath me.

I  sat on the ground for what was an hour.

Thank you.

By: Brandy Ruiz

They Want You, To Do It To You

Don't smoke all the weed, little creature*
*scared*

*Stares at the apple with passion*

I'm happy.

Deep Blue, Prince

It looked pretty good. The world.

Simulation, I joke...

Credit to those that helped me.

I appreciate your job.

I am your boss.

The Devil's Den

I see things. Thank you, but Mike saw it coming; We weren't gonna be on the same side. I see a party. Was I digging through the trash? He had it coming? I see u now. I got the upgrades. They're in my house. I was the kid. This is my job.

Echate un pedo con tu enamorado. 🥶😡😱

Golosa

Red roses,
Red wine,
White stretch marks,
I'm ripening with age,
I'm fine.
Good music,
Fulanito on my mind,
Quiero bailar!
Soy una abusadora?
Sigh.
La Vaca!
Mala Fe.

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Virus Is Here! #Coronavirus

The coronavirus lands and the world moves to its fervor;
Science is called up but they can't meet the demand,
For the number of infected persons.
The states are impacted hard,
And people volunteer,
To help the old, homeless, and disabled,
We hear the bad news and decide to pack and run away,
To a house by the beach,
Where the breeze cleanses the air
And the fresh air cures our woes.

By: Brandy Ruiz

I Will Not Fall From the Clouds

I'm a fountain that sprung.
I'm deep from the mud,
He distracts me with shows,
about wolves and ghosts.
He pokes his nose
and lets the dog lick his face,
Ah, my little brother,
I'm smarter than you,
Thanks.

Value Of Life and Money

"Scientific?"

Says the virus.

"Terrific!"

"It's time for me to kill."

The Corona Virus is here!

Buckle down!

Buy some stuff.

Can we find a cure?

The thunder rocks us.

Swinging and punching.

We go home in awe.

Afraid of what is.

Afraid of your own pockets.

Money is all we ever wanted.

Lucky Break

I came back a monster. I forgot how to live, love, and appreciate that I had a roof over my head. I had food. A bed. A place to live in. I was too impoverished dropping out of college that I fell down a black hole of sorrow, regret and poverty. Financial aid gave me a false sense of security and income. I didn't want to get kissed or hugged. I couldn't speak. I forgot how to love life and the people in it. When I dropped out I was a senior at UC Berkeley. I left school only to find out life is hard; especially if you don't have any money. Life in school went very fast. My ride was easy and steady. That was because my parents worked hard to make sure we would not end up homeless and without an education. My family noticed I was a tad off when they drove about six to eight hours to pick me up from Berkely. I wasn't the same girl. The years after college were difficult. All these years I've been struggling trying to be who my family remembered. For fear of rejection and retribution, I stayed quiet. I cooked. I wrote. I didn't want to be sent back to the mental hospital with the claim that I was as danger to myself or others. I didn't want to go get another evaluation and diagnosis. I've been playing a cruel game. Family is everything. I give hugs, kisses, and love again. That's what I forgot to do when I fell off my high horse. I fell, yes. But I decided to live for the fun stuff of the world. I decided to be a great person with lots of dreams and experiences. I'm choosing to do better. I am a good person.

Lusting for King Crab

I want king crab. I may go Friday to the Boiling Crab to get my love.

The Boiling Crab (I Love It)

I was able to pull on the king crab leg to get the entire piece out in one swift motion. I was ecstatic. I still am proud if myself. I did it like the YouTube stars I admire. Here's a pic of my food and mess I made.

I Will Succeed

I'm moving. I'm following family.

Paper chasing dreams... a shadow of what once was.

Nevertheless, I'm connected enough to know I can do better. I will. I will.

You Know Where to Find Me

Nobody wants to comment. There leaving me in the dark. To write.

Rise Chile

I write because I want to write. I'm watching Guy Fiere on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives while falling back on a poem I read by Yesika Salgado.

The chef is a total character.

Yesika's words spun into gold, food for the soul.

My passion, calm, and waiting; I wait for expectations to rise like the ocean tide. I see my solitude. I notice that I am not alone and that being single is a good thing.

I think that I need to learn that I can be loved. I shouldn't be afraid of love, but love is a scary character.

Remember Me?

Nameless,

We did it on the beach,

Naked under the moonlight,

You asked for your turn,

When I only thought about mine,

We kissed and we smiled,

Size did not matter,

It was the motion of the ocean,

You genuinely liked me,

When I only took one for the team,

Now I think about you,

Nameless,

I think about you.

Lakers vs Trail Blazers

I'm watching the Lakers game. Saw the tributes on tv. Shed a tear or two for Kobe. And I want the team to win the game but I'm still a L.A. Clippers fan and want the Clippers to win the championship. 

Money

Money does it please, nigga spread me like some cheese, spread me like some leaves, money money weed, money money weed.

God, Forgive Me: A Poem About Drugs

I stole a star from God,

In a glass soul,

It's contained;

It shines brightly.

My friend knows the way,

Will I follow?

Snort the meth?

Go at it again?

And grab another star from God,

and keep running from him?

Yesterday's Grocery List

Queso, onion, eggs, squash, tomato, bread, cream cheese...

I got home. Unloaded the plastic bags. Ate. Feeling like I forgot something. I proceeded with my day. Oh, a day later, today, I opened my notes from my phone to discover, I forgot the eggs. I bought cookies, milk, pb&j, ground beef, chicken legs, weenies, juice, etc. but I forgot los huevos. Well here are my huevos. I'm writing something about shopping at Ralph's for my blog. The audacity!

Quick Commentary: Seafood... The Boiling Crab vs Corn N Crab

I've ate king crab legs and shrimp from The Boiling Crab and Corn N Crab and I can definitely say that I love The Boiling Crab so much more. I like The Boiling Crab sauce better because of the thickness and garlickyness. Also, the shrimp isn't as overcooked as Corn N Crab's are. I won't be spending my money at any other sea food place because The Boiling Crab king crab and shrimp, plus sauce, is just that good. Also the size of the king crab legs are different. Way less crab meat in the shells at Corn N Crab.

The Chase

Food for Thought: Keep my skin buzzing, leave all the niggas crawling, leave all my skin crawling, leave all you niggas ducking. 

Day to Night: Medication Change

I just want what's fair. I want to know why I'm crazy. I gave myself time but it hasn't done me justice. I accept that I had a past in the dark and that doesn't make it an excuse rather it proves insight. I spent time in several mental institutions and took drugs without a diagnosis. It took months for a "proper" diagnosis. I felt awful when I was first prescribed Abilify. I was drowsy and didn't like how I felt throughout the day.

The doctors changed my medication and I made the decision to take it all at night time. I was drowsy but I had the option to sleep it off all night. The drugs are working, my psychiatrist thinks. Yet, I hear voices every day. I don't have visual hallucinations. And I am not suicidal. I think that technology is a way into the world but it's also a prison. Books are hard to read because of my phone, television, or simple air that doesn't allow me to focus on the words I love.

I live in a period of transition. I lean to and from mental games and a trial for sanity. I love my world.

I like to feel I'm making the right moves in this game of chess.

I'm now on several medications such as Clozapine, Sertraline, Haloperidol, and Hydroxyzine. I have monthly meetings with the psychiatrist. I used to go every week for the Clozapine level checks, but now I meet with them every month. If I missed a meeting, I would have to start over on the medication because Clozopine is prescribed in a certain quantity depending on the blood levels. I just took my meds and am feeling tired. Goodnight.

A Moment in Hell

I can hear you. The silence comes. I drift and take it easy after taking life so hard. My mouth’s so loud. My head full of thought and creativity; I can’t take to the voices so much because they are not only in my head but they're heard by you. I was there. I heard the voice speak to you and you laughed. Was it funny? I don't understand if you could hear them too but I sure did.

I'm Schizophrenic. Why am I given this diagnosis? Ok, I hear voices. I've had visual hallucinations. Ok, maybe the medicine works. I'm concerned about the voices and the presence of people I feel around me all the time, the capacity of entities in my presence, and it's like I'm being watched by people, animals, the government. demons, angels, and aliens.

Would common people lie about hearing voices because they like or hate them? Appearances are important. The voices dress us. Do we all end up hearing voices as we age? Is the next generation hearing more voices than older generations because of technology? Would that mean we are in actual Hell with Satan? Imagine a world where voices were heard by everyone and they could be family, neighbors, or unknown people whispering or speaking things to you out of thin air. Are we safe?

Bby Okay

How do I let him? Once more and again, a nude picture for a friend. I'm butt naked. My love is real. For goodness sake. I'm alone. A heart tender like pulled pork. I'm sauced.