I just want what's fair. I want to know why I'm crazy. I gave myself time but it hasn't done me justice. I accept that I had a past in the dark and that doesn't make it an excuse rather it proves insight. I spent time in several mental institutions and took drugs without a diagnosis. It took months for a "proper" diagnosis. I felt awful when I was first prescribed Abilify. I was drowsy and didn't like how I felt throughout the day.
The doctors changed my medication and I made the decision to take it all at night time. I was drowsy but I had the option to sleep it off all night. The drugs are working, my psychiatrist thinks. Yet, I hear voices every day. I don't have visual hallucinations. And I am not suicidal. I think that technology is a way into the world but it's also a prison. Books are hard to read because of my phone, television, or simple air that doesn't allow me to focus on the words I love.
I live in a period of transition. I lean to and from mental games and a trial for sanity. I love my world.
I like to feel I'm making the right moves in this game of chess.
I'm now on several medications such as Clozapine, Sertraline, Haloperidol, and Hydroxyzine. I have monthly meetings with the psychiatrist. I used to go every week for the Clozapine level checks, but now I meet with them every month. If I missed a meeting, I would have to start over on the medication because Clozopine is prescribed in a certain quantity depending on the blood levels. I just took my meds and am feeling tired. Goodnight.
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